# Rehearsal

Людмила Николаевна Ансельм

Mike, who got a job advertising vayagra on TV, comes to his ex-wife to hold a rehearsal before the show of vayagra's action.

REHEARSAL

A comedy

Ludmila Anselm

Translated by Jim Clinton


CAST:

MIKE: About 65 years old, good height, stature, natty, grey flecks in dark hair, sporty looking and handsome, in pressed slacks. He is an actor and likes from time to time to play different roles during dialog...


JULIE: Also 65. She"s pretty, neatly dressed in business like way.


It"s summer"s heat. Mike is sweating and mopping his brow with a handkerchief. Mike carries a big bouquet of flowers as he knocks on an apartment door.


JULIE (shocked upon finding an ex-husband standing there): Ah! ... M.


MIKE: G"afternoon, Julie!


JULIE (still shocked): H... Hello... Mike!

(Pause)

What"s ... going on?


MIKE (presents flowers with smile): Flowers for m"lady! ... Can I come in?

JULIE (steps hesitatingly aside): I don"t remember such a big bouquet ... ever... thank you! ... Why did you come? ... You want something!


MIKE: Yes... (Wipes brow) It"s hot out could you please get me a glass of water?


JULIE (disappearing into her kitchen): That I can do... for you...


(Meanwhile Mike walks around inspecting everything in the room particularly the pictures on the table.)


JULIE (returning): Your favorite glass...


MIKE (drinking the whole glass): Whew... Thanks... Ok to sit?


(He moves to sofa and sits down)


JULIE (angry): I think, you still want the sofa!


MIKE: No, I don"t want the sofa any more.


JULIE: ...the Ocean painting your mother gave me?


MIKE: No...

(Mike looks around the room)


Every thing is as it was. Nothing has changed. Just like when I left.


JULIE: I can"t make myself change things yet...

(Pause)


MIKE: Julie, you haven"t forgotten our good times! Come to sit beside me here, on the sofa.


(Julie sits on the sofa, but not close to Mike)


JULIE: ...Try to understand how insulted I feel... More than ten years together, and suddenly... All time I think, why you did up and leave... Now I guessed why...


MIKE: Oh? Why?


JULIE: As long as I had a good job and could support you, every thing

was fine. Then when I retired we had to economize, and then you found a new sucker...


Mike: Sucker! ... Oh .Julie... you are so...

(Mike stops short and decides not to reply)


JULIE: Remember? Remember how I loved you. How I cared for you when you were sick and depressed... after the "Evita" tour ended... Some times I had to force food in you with a spoon... Gave you black coffee in bed...


MIKE: The coffee was too weak..."economization!"


JULIE: Out on your own you must know how expensive coffee has gotten... I cooked what ever you asked for, baked potatoes, boiled potatoes, macaroni and cheese, cheese burgers...


MIKE (smiling): Ya, but your salads could never come up to restaurant level..., of course, you certainly did try....


JULIE (offended): Can your Rita make a salad like Locke-Ober"s?


MIKE: Rita and I go out to restaurants a lot...


JULIE (sadly): We hardly ever ate out at fancy restaurants at the end...


MIKE (peaceful): Julie, honestly you cook better than restaurants...


(Pause)


JULIE: You know what hurt me most, when we separated?


MIKE: What?


JULIE: The antique coffee table... You grabbed it from in front of the TV. And I never even fought for it...


MIKE: But, I bought it.


JULIE: With my money.


MIKE: No... I paid with my money.


JULIE: You bought this sofa with your money too?

MIKE: Why do you so begrudge me the coffee table?


JULIE: We sat here on this sofa, watched TV... ate at the table.., and drank wine, talked ... How I have dreamed ... to sit together and talk peacefully... Like before...


MIKE: And I come to you in peace... (Joyful) Julie, better remember what good times we had too! Our cruise to Caribbean, the cast party on Fred"s boat! Beautiful sunrise! Sunset! We tangoed all night...I remember it so clear...


(Mike jumps from the sofa begins to tango. He bows and invites Julie to dance, but Julie waves her hands, refusing to dance. Mike sits on the sofa again closer to Julie)


May be you don"t believe me, but now I don"t want anything... I only need a bit of your help...


JULIE (suspiciously): Why are you so happy?


MIKE: I finally got a gig!


(Mike moves a tad closer to Julie)


JULIE: Who needs a 65 year old actor even if he has lots of awards?


MIKE: TV ads!


JULIE: You are kidding!


MIKE: Not at all... Remember, when I was younger I was in beer ads with Fred? Well. Fred is now a director and he found a good show for me...

(Julie looks doubtful)


MIKE (continuing): Such a handsome distinguished actor, as me, is in a soap opera! Soaps make a lot by using products that pay when products are used on the show. There"s a younger market to be cultivated, but some things older people use too...


Julia: Like?


MIKE: For instance, uggh, bling, pugs, fossil ... Viagra!


JULIE (moving further away exclaims): Viagra! Mike, why Viagra? ...


MIKE: I had no choice... Don"t forget, I"m older... I"m in good company. They"re getting older sports figures, and fighters ... Well known people, to hawk Viagra in short ads, but I"m going to do a couple of Soap segments!


JULIE: Can I see it?


MIKE: Na. Not yet... Later ...


JULIE: How can a Viagra script be long enough for a Soap segment?


MIKE: (low serious voice moves a bit closer to Julie) Well, there are four separate steps... First, we see the guy buying a special trademark casual shirt and slacks, there are laughs as he flirts with the sales girl to get in the mood... Then home, we see him using a branded hair preparation that dyes white hair dark and... then he shaves with a branded razor... then mouthwash and under arm... and so on, and so on.


JULIE: Ok! OK! ... OK! Men are a good new market, I suppose.


MIKE: Ya! Then on the street ... The guy buys a big bouquet of flowers ... and walks along singing a jaunty tune. Like a hit from the sixties...


(Mike sings something from the Beatles: "I need you, I need you, I need you..." and walks smartly around smiling. He then abruptly sits down but closer yet to Julie and continues gaily)...


MIKE: Next: we see him going to his girl friend, and giving her the flowers... He chats and has to go to the bathroom. In her bathroom he looks in her medicine cabinet, lots of laughs here ... and uses her tooth brush ... lots of laughs ... and picks out a branded tooth paste. He then takes her glass and fills it with water, and swallows the Viagra.


(Julie with suspicious look, moves quite far away)


JULIE: Uh...Huh... go on...


MIKE: Some more chatter ... Then they sit on the sofa and watch TV...

JULIE: And then?


MIKE: He has to talk her up for awhile...


JULIE: I suppose we see the man jumping on the girl...


MIKE: No! No, not yet. Viagra takes 10 to 20 minutes to take effect...


JULIE: You actually put on a branded condom and have sex?


MIKE: Nah! We see only the guy putting one leg on the woman. The next scene shows him turning off the lights. And then the TV goes black...

(Pause)


End of the fourth segment!


JULIE: When do you start shooting this scene?


MIKE: Next week. I had some rehearsals, but I"ve never taken Viagra...


JULIE (with steely calm): How could you rehearse, if you never take Viagra?


MIKE: And you?


JULIE: Of course not! I"m a woman.


MIKE (more and more excited): Julia, women are trying Viagra too... For some it seems to work. For others not...


JULIE: I don"t need to take Viagra...


MIKE: But... sex is good for health both men and women...


JULIE: Now, I don"t need sex. I seem to have lost interest...


MIKE: Exactly!!! And you have to know Viagra improves social communication!


JULIE (ironically): Communication!! ...


MIKE (blithely continues): Maybe you would like to try Viagra some time... I have an extra. You can try it.

(Mike holds out a pill. Julie, hesitates then curiously takes it)


JULIE (looking at the pill): You"re stark raving mad!


MIKE: Aren"t you interested in how Viagra acts on you? You"re not curious?


JULIE (handing pill back): No! ... Curiosity killed the cat...


MIKE (coaxing): Are you afraid? Take a half then...


JULIE (standing): No! ... Never!


MIKE: Julie, don"t be rash! ... I ask one last time...


(Mike suddenly stands and tries to hug Julie)


JULIE (picks up heavy bronze: table lamp and pushing him away with the bronze lamp at the ready): Away!


MIKE (joyfully): It"s already working! I"m starting to feel warm...


(He glances at his watch)


Just 10 minutes! It"s normal!

(Pause)


JULIE (angrily waving the lamp at Mike): Now, I know why you came to me! You want to rehearse with me and Viagra! Bastard!


MIKE: Julia, I feel sorry for you... You"re not right...


(Julie slaps Mike on the face. Mike pulls away)


JULIE (shouts throwing the flowers at Mike): Get out! Do your rehearsals with your bitch, Rita!


(MIKE stoops over to carefully pick up the flowers. Between picking up the flowers one by one he says)


MIKE: Sorry... but... To tell you ... The truth... Julie,


(Long pause)

with Rita... I don"t need Viagra!

JULIE (waving the lamp, screeches): Get out you bastard! Get out! ...


MIKE (sadly, like a tragic actor): Now I see, you"ll never guess, why we separated... All our relations could be different, if...

(Pause)

JULIE (excited): If? What if?


MIKE: If you were a little bit... a little bit curious... Good buy, Julie!


(Mike exits. Julie slumps down on the sofa, but jumps up)


JULIE (runs to the door and shouts): Mike! Mike! Wait... I changed my mind! Come back!


THE END