# Traffic

Людмила Николаевна Ансельм

The husband returns home after a business trip. He missed his wife, but firstly he wants to check on her was she waiting for him.

Traffic

08.31.08


The stage is divided into two halves. In one half of the scene: Michael, who has arrived at the house, stops outside the house, without entering the house, calls Lisa on the phone. He wanders around the house and carefully looks in the Windows to track down Lisa. On the other side: Michael and his wife Lisa's room. Lisa has seen the children off and is sitting on the sofa watching TV and getting her nails done. She's wearing a green robe.


Michael. Hello, Liza! This is me.


Lisa (surprised) Michael! Where are you?


Michael. I'm in Boston. Just arrived.


Liza. Already arrived? Wonderful! I was expecting you tomorrow... Where are you?


Michael ( listening to Lisa's voice). Almost around the house... The conference was boring...


(Pause). Who are you talking to? I hear a man's voice. Who is he?


Liza. This is TV.


Michael (incredulously). Are you alone? I can hear it clearly... off the TV. It interferes with conversation.


(Lisa turns off the TV.)


Michael. That's better now... Arrived early. I really missed you...


Liza. Where are you?


Michael. I'll be home soon... If I don't get into traffic,


Liza. How did you get here so early?


Michael. I didn't stay for the Banquet and got up early... Children at school?


Lisa turns off the TV, quickly puts on a t-shirt and trousers, and starts cleaning the room. Picks up things scattered around the room, puts them on the sofa, grabs a MOP to sweep the floor...


Liza. At school. Do you miss your kids?


Michael. For you...


Liza. Me too...


Michael (laughs). Do you know what three wishes a man has when he gets home from work?


Liza. I know men always think about food?


Michael. Not guess. The first wish is that the children are not at home, the second wish...

(Pause)

The second is to have sex with your wife, and the third, most importantly, do not get into traffic, so that the second desire does not pass... I hope there won't be any traffic today...


Liza. Yes, this is not usually the time...


Trait essential merge leap simulate shred leap site loot strap Michael. And then it all happened... You were wearing a black nightgown and there was nothing under it... What are you wearing now?


Liza. As usual... trousers, t-shirt...


Michael (softly). Lisa, put on a black nightgown...


Liza (perplexed). What for? What's your idea?


Michael. Ask you... I want to repeat our meeting.


Liza. I don't know where she is...


Michael. (insistently) Find...


Liza. Is this mandatory?


Сцена разделена на две половины. На одной половине сцены: Майкл, подъехавший к дому, останавливается около дома, не входя в дом, звонит Лайзе по телефону. Он бродит вокруг дома и осторожно заглядывает в окна, чтобы выследить Лайзу. На другой половине: комната Майкла и его жены Лайзы. Лайза проводила детей и сидит на диване смотрит телевизор и делает маникюр. На ней зелёный халат.


Майкл. Алло, Лайза! Это я.


Лайза (удивлённо) Майкл! Ты где?


Майкл. Я в Бостоне. Только что прилетел.


Лайза. Уже прилетел? Замечательно! А я тебя ждала завтра... Где ты?


Майкл ( прислушиваясь к голосу Лайзы). Почти около дома... Конференция была скучной...


(Пауза). С кем ты разговариваешь? Я слышу мужской голос. Кто он?


Лайза. Это телевизор.


Майкл (недоверчиво). Ты одна? Я отчётливо слышу... выключи телевизор. Он мешает разговаривать.


(Лайза выключает телевизор).


Майкл. Вот теперь лучше... Приехал пораньше. Очень соскучился...


Лайза. Где ты?


Майкл. Скоро буду дома... Если не попаду в трафик,


Лайза. Как тебе удалось прилететь так рано?


Майкл. Не остался на банкет и встал пораньше... Дети в школе?


Лайза быстро одевает футболку и брюки, начинает прибирать комнату. Подбирает вещи, разбросанные по комнате, кладет их на диван, хватает швабру, чтобы подмести пол...


Лайза. В школе. Соскучился по детям?


Майкл. По тебе...


Лайза. Я тоже...


Майкл (смеется). Знаешь, какие три желани


Michael. Necessarily... Take everything off and put on a black nightgown...


Liza. Good... (Takes off his trousers and puts on a green dressing-gown). Done.


Michael. Lisa, you probably know about phone sex?


Liza. I've heard it, but I've never tried it...


Michael (solemnly). I suggest you try...


Liza. Now?


Michael (impatiently). Yes, Yes now... Stand by the stove...


Liza. Standing at the stove...

(Pause)


I understand... You want to do what you did then?


Michael. Yes... then how... So I come up behind you quietly... Take you in my arms... Do you remember what you said?


Liza (remembering). Sure... Oh, crazy, you scared me!


Michael. No, not that...


Liza. Oh, crazy! Careful, you'll drop me!


Michael. (discontentedly). Wrong again... Not at all...


Liza. I do not remember... It was a year ago...


Michael. And I remember... You put your arms around my neck and silently kissed my ear...


Liza. If I didn't say anything, why ask?


Michael. It's necessary... Now go and lie down on the carpet...


(Pause)

Lay down?


Liza. (He lies down on the floor next to the bucket and MOP) Lay down...


Michael (in a broken voice). Hold the phone to your ear... Can you hear my breathing?


Liza. I hear...


Michael. And now I want to hear your...


(Lisa starts breathing loudly into the phone. Sniffs, smells burnt food, jumps up and runs to the stove, tries to scrape the burnt food from the pan)

Oops!


Michael. Lisa, what's wrong? What is that sound?


Liza. The fish was burnt.


Michael. What fish?


Liza. I decided to cook you some fish... And she...


Michael (disappointed). Fish again... You know I need meat. You know, meat!


Liza. Fish is required for memory, it has a lot of phosphorus...


Michael. To hell with phosphorus! I need meat...


Liza. For what?


Michael. For you... Meat increases male potency...


Liza. How can you get pleasure for a miserable five minutes a day?


Michael. Do we have any meat in the fridge? I'll make it myself...


Liza. I didn't have time to buy...


Michael. (with annoyance)She didn't have time to buy it... What have you been doing all this time while I've been away?


Liza. Children... You forgot, we have three children...


Michael. Leave the kids alone. While the kids are at school, you have six hours of free time...


Liza (irritated). And the house? Clean up, remove, bring, put, make order... TRAFFIC


Michael - man about forty ears old

Liza- his wife woman about 40 ears old


The stage is divided in two half"s.

On one half Michael, who returns from a business trip unexpectedly a day early, he wants to check of his wife.

He is not sure of his manly abilities and tries to prepare his wife for the meeting.

He leaves the car near the house and looks in the windows of his house. He doesn"t see Liza and decides to call her on the phone.

On the other side: his wife Lisa's room. Lisa has seen the children off and is sitting on the sofa watching TV and getting her nails done. She's wearing a green bathrobe.


Michael. Hello, Liza! This is me.


Liza (surprised) Michael! Where are you?


Michael. I'm in Boston. Just arrived.


Liza. Already arrived? Wonderful! I was expecting you tomorrow... Where are you?


Michael (listening to Liza"s voice). Not far from home... The conference was boring... I decided to leave earlier. (Pause, listening to the phone). Who are you talking to? I hear a man's voice. Who is with you?


Liza. This is TV.


Michael (incredulously). Are you alone? I can hear man"s voice clearly... Turn off the TV. It interferes with conversation.

(Liza turns off the TV.)


Michael. That's better now... I really missed you...


Liza. Where are you?


Michael. I'll be home soon... If I don't get into traffic.


Liza. How did you get here so early?


Michael. I didn't stay for the Banquet and got up early... Children at school?


(Liza quickly puts on a t-shirt and pants and starts cleaning the room. Picks up things scattered around the room, puts them on the sofa, grabs a mop to sweep the floor)...


Liza. At school. Do you miss your kids?


Michael. You more...


Liza. Me too...


Michael (laughs). Do you know what three wishes a man has, when he get back from a business trip?


Liza. I know, men always think about food.


Michael. Not guess. The first wish is that the children aren"t home, the second wish... (Pause) The second, is to have sex with his wife, and the third, most importantly, that the second desire does not fade in the traffic... I hope there won't be any traffic today...


Liza. Yes, it shouldn"t too bad this time...


Michael. Let's hope so... By the way, I haven't eat from the morning...


Liza. I"ll consider...

(Liza runs to the kitchen to make dinner. Michael doesn"t see Liza in the kitchen, he runs around. Long pause).


Michael. Liza, where are you?


Liza. I"m in the kitchen. (appears in the room).


Michael. Damn, the car is moving so slow... I"m afraid to get into traffic...


Liza. What do you do in traffic?


Michael. Usually... Talk on the phone or counting... recently calculated how much time a person loose in a traffic during our whole lifetime.


Liza. How much?


Michael. If we assume that a working person spends about an hour and a half a day in traffic, it must be at least five years. But it"s the best years of our lives...


Liza (preparing food) So much? Now I understood why you"re afraid of traffic.


Michael. You didn"t understand anything... Image, a person wants to move, but he has to sit in the car for hours ... traffic is stressful and everyone knows how the stress affects the man"s potency...


Liza. But you, as far as I understand, do not take into account weekends and holy days...


Michael. For simplicity... I don"t take it into account...


Liza. I"m interesting how much time is left for sex.


Michael. I"ll figure it out... count: eating, washing, child attention, watching TV... we get only five minutes a day for sex.


Liza (suddenly stops fitting around. She disappointed). So little?


Michael. So it turns out, if you count for every day... if you have sex once a week, you get as much as thirty- five minutes ...


Liza (speaks angry) Why only once a week?


Machete. I say average... I say about average American worker ...


Liza (angrily). What do I care about the average American, I"m talking about us... Why can"t we make more?


Michael. Of course, we could ... sleep less. I think eight hours for sleeping too much...


Liza. May be for you, but not for me... (It"s long pause)... Michael, where are you?


Michael. Fuck, I knew it...Traffic... I would like to make surprise for you, but then decided to call in advance. I want you to be home.


(Liza sits on the sofa, and begins to comb her hair).


Michael (dreamily) Liza, do you remember how good it was last time? I came home in the morning from business trip...


Liza. Of course, I stood at the stove and you... crept up behind me...


Michael. And I quietly snuck up and grabbed you in my arms and carried you to the sofa...


Liza (Giggles). But you tripped and we fell together on the rug.


Michael (dreamily). And...(pause) it all happened... You had a black nightgown and there was nothing under it... What are you have on now?


Liza. As usual... pants, t-shirt...


Michael (softly). Lisa, put on a black nightgown...


Liza (perplexed). Why?


Michael. Please... I want to repeat our last meeting.


Liza. I don't know where it is...


Michael (insistently). Find... it.


Liza. Is this mandatory?


Michael. Please... Take everything off and put on a black nightgown...


Liza. OK... (Takes off his pants and puts on a green bath rob). Done.


Michael. Lisa, you know about phone sex?


Liza. I've heard it, but I've never...


Michael (solemnly). I suggest you try...


Liza. Now?


Michael (impatiently). Yes, Yes now... Stand by the stove...


Liza. Standing at the stove...(Pause) I understand... You want to do what you did then?


Michael. Yes... then how... So I come up behind you quietly... Take you in my arms... Do you remember what you said?


Liza (remembering). Sure... "Oh, crazy, you scared me!"


Michael. No, that"s not what you said...


Liza. "Oh, crazy! Careful, you'll drop me!"


Michael (discontentedly). Wrong again... Not at all...


Liza. I do not remember... It was a year ago...


Michael. And I remember... You put your arms around my neck and silently kissed my ear...


Liza. If I didn't say anything, why did you ask?


Michael. It's necessary... Now lie down on the rug...(Pause) Lay down?


Liza. (He lies down on the floor next to the bucket and mop) Lay down... ready.

Michael (in a broken voice). Press the phone to your ear... Can you hear my breathing?


Liza. I hear...


Michael. And now I want to hear your... breathe.


(Liza starts heavy breathing loudly into the phone. Sniffs, smells burnt food, jumps up and runs to the stove, tries to scrape the burnt food from the pan)

Liza. Oops!


Michael. Lisa, what's wrong? What is that sound?


Liza. The fish was burning!


Michael. What fish?


Liza. I decided to cook you some fish... And it...


Michael (disappointed). Fish again... You know I need red meat. You know, meat!


Liza. Fish is required for memory, it has a lot of phosphorus...


Michael. To hell with phosphorus! I need meat...


Liza. For what?


Michael. For your pleasure... Meat increases man"s potency...


Liza (angrily). How can I get pleasure for a miserable five minutes a day?


Michael. Do we have any meat in the fridge? I'll make it myself...


Liza. I didn't have time to buy...


Michael (with annoyance). She didn't have time to buy it... What have you been doing all this time while I've been away?


Liza. Children... You forgot, we have three children...


Michael. Leave the kids out of this... While the kids are at school, you have six hours of free time...


Liza (irritated). And the house? Clean up, remove, bring, put, make order...


Michael (with irritation). You don't have any order...


Liza. Ah, so! (Throws things off the sofa on the floor, sits on the sofa and switch on TV).


Michael. Did he come back?


Liza. Who?


Michael. The man. It"s the same voice.


Liza. It"s TV. (She switch off TV)


Michael. Go and lie down on the rug...


Liza. That is demand?


Michael. Ultimatum...


Liza. No rug.


Michael. Where is it?


Liza. I gave it to the cleaners...(Long pause.) Michael, what's wrong with you?


Michael. With me? Nothing... I just realized something... and now I understand...


Liza. What do you understand?


Michael. Actually, it turns out you weren't expecting me... You don't...


Liza. It's not true! You... You...


Michael (angrily). Don't interrupt... Now about the rug... I asked you to vacuum it every week, and you flatly refused ...


Liza. You don"t just ask .. You demanded...


Michael. I demanded it because... because... you refused.


Liza. You started shouting first!


Michael. You were not silence too. You never agree with me. Never! We didn"t talk about a week afterwards.


Liza (with bitterness). You still don"t understand...

(Long pause). Michael, why you silence? Where you are? Micheal!


Michael (unexpectedly comes in the room) I"m here.

(Both are talking on their phones, even though they"re in the same room). What I didn"t understand?


Liza. I gave the rug to the cleaners and I supposed to get it today.


Michael. You didn"t even put on your black night dressed...


Liza. I'm going to change... it"s take five minutes.


(Michael puts the phone in his pocket. Lisa puts her phone down on the table. They stand silently facing each other).


Michael. Don't...


Liza (anxiously). Why not? Michael, you don't want to... I'll be quick... In five minutes...


Michael. You don't have to change...


Liza (frightened). But why?


Michael. I understand now... no matter... I wanted to say... I want to say... I love you like this...


Liza . Which one?


Michael. Any... I missed you very much... I can love you even without the nightgown and the rug...

(He lies down on a pile of clothes thrown near the sofa). Come over here...

The end