# Her Majesty's Diamonds

Елена Борисовна Степанова

"Her Majesty's Diamonds". A two-act play based on the songs and images of the "Beatles". The play "Her Majesty's Diamonds" became a finalist оf the 1st International Drama Festival of the Alexander Onassis Fund "Athens-2002".

Genre: a musical fairy-tale

Parts: female - 8, male - 17.

You can also find а Russian version of the play "Her Majesty's Diamonds" ("Бриллианты Её Величества") on lib.ru:

http://lit.lib.ru/editors/d/denisow_wiktor_leonowich/brillianty_eyo_velichestva.shtml

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e-mail: info@gretaproject.com


This play could be interesting for several reasons. First, there are not so many plays dedicated to the legendary British group, which still evokes a vivid interest. Second, the plot has two advantageous lines - the detective plot and the love plot, which interlace and complete each other - that is always intriguing. Third, there is a lot of music and laughter here - humor is combined with the absurd, clownery with fairy tale effects - and that - again - means no one will be bored!


V. D.


Victor Denisov

Elena Stepanova


## Her Majesty's Diamonds

A fairy-tale play

based on the characters and songs of The Beatles

in two acts with 10 scenes.


Characters in order of appearance:

Sgt. Pepper

Billie Shears

Bulldog

Mean Mr. Mustard

Polythene Pam (Pamela)

Jude

Rita

Molly Jones

Desmond Jones

Bungalow Bill

His Mum

Captain Marvel

Judge

Maggie Mae

Rosa

Valerie

P.C. Thirty-one

Michelle

Maxwell Edison

Mother Nature's Son

Nowhere Man

Blackbird

Walrus

Fool on the Hill

Sun King


Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Piggies, Octopuses, Pablo Fanques Fair, etc.


Notes:

The play can be treated as a fairy-tale play and should be acted out on three seperate stages of different levels. Such a scenography should ensure freedom of movement, which is central to the play. The Beatles epoch - the sixties - should be maintained, meaning no modern gadgets such as mobile phones, and no new fashions (especially with regard hairstyles). The costume designer should take a look at Alan Aldridge's Beatles: Illustrated Lyrics (St. Giles House, 1969). Costume advice is taken mainly from this source.


ACT ONE


SCENE I


A projector shines light onto a dark stage. The Lonely Hearts Band, conducted by Sergeant Pepper, is rehearsing. He should be dressed, as recommended by the Beatles, in a red, blue and yellow peaked cap with a cockade and a black military uniform with gold buttons, red collar, red and yellow stripes, a yellow club badge and brown gloves. The musicians should be equipped like the Beatles on the Sergeant Pepper album cover. The projector shows up the not very rhythmical moving figures of the musicians. The music stops and the lights go on.


PEPPER. No, no, that's wrong, that's not it at all! You are all so sluggish and sleepy today. I'm never going to hold rehearsals in the morning again - did you not get enough sleep? Where's the tempo, I ask, where's the tempo? This music is only good for funerals. Have you heard how they play at funerals? I'll have to set up a trip to the cemetery, so you know... And Billy Shears you simply surprise me: you keep playing half a key too low. What's up? Or did you spend all night kissing an oyster - to get your lips swollen up?

SHEARS. No way, Sarge.

PEPPER. You are just not hitting the right keys!

SHEARS. That's right, Sarge.

PEPPER. No that's not right at all; it was much better the last time. What can I do with you - I just don't know, sack half of you. I just don't know, we won't be playing at the Albert Hall. Okay, let's try again on the count of three. (Bulldog runs in.) Hey, Bulldog! What's that you've got in-between your teeth?

BULLDOG. Eh-eh-ha-ha.

PEPPER. Show me! (Bulldog gives him a telegram.) A telegram, for me? Where did you get it from?

BULLDOG. At the post office. It's from the Queen.

PEPPER. From who?

BULLDOG. From Her Majesty, the Queen of England.

PEPPER. What is she missing me?

BULLDOG. Of course. When you don't see a good person, you miss them, and if you don't see them all the time, you miss them badly.

PEPPER. Ah-a (reading). "I order Sergeant Pepper to find the stolen diamonds immediately. Her Majesty." What's this? (Reads again.) What diamonds? Has she gone mad?

BULLDOG. I don't think so. At least you wouldn't say so by the look of hers.

PEPPER. So maybe she's lost her diamonds, what have I got to do with it? I'm no detective. She probably made a mistake - it's Scotland Yard she needs.

BULLDOG. It clearly says Sergeant Pepper. And there's no other Sergeant Pepper. So it must be you.

PEPPER. What diamonds, Bulldog, what diamonds?

BULLDOG. Diamonds, Gov, jewels cut and polished.

PEPPER. I know that much. But why me? Why do I have to find them pronto?

BULLDOG. There you go again. Because it has to be you - Sergeant Pepper. You and only you, not me.

PEPPER. Yes, I've been Sergeant Pepper for 46 years, but that doesn't mean, it's not my job to look for diamonds. I, by the way, am the conductor of a prestigious orchestra.

BULLDOG. There's nobody else to look for them.

PEPPER. What do you mean nobody? Don't we have colonels and generals?

BULLDOG. The questions you're asking are pointless: the telegram is from Her Majesty - which means you have to find them. And there's nothing you can do about it.

PEPPER. Oh, no (the Band plays "Her Majesty"). Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl. But she doesn't have a lot to say (points to his head) not all up here.

BULLDOG. You can't speak that way about the Queen.

PEPPER. So it's up to me, is it? But what's the connection with the diamonds? I've never worn them myself. And where let me ask will I find them? Hey, Bulldog, quick, let it out: where did you get this telegram? (Bulldog makes an entrechat). Ah, I see. Well let's be logical about this: where do telegrams come from? That's right, the post office. Answer me, Bulldog: did you get it at the post office? (Another entrechat.) Right, the post office. Her Majesty knew that we were rehearsing on Abbey Road today, and that's why she sent it there. Yes, yes, yes... rehearsing on Abbey Road, can't we rehearse here? Listen, Shears, where else can we rehearse?

SHEARS. On Penny Lane, Sarge. (The Band plays "Penny Lane").

PEPPER. Don't be silly, its so crowded and noisy there: complete bedlam, traffic jams, swings in the very centre, children shouting, dogs barking, like our Bulldog. I can still hear that Penny Lane! No, it's impossible to rehearse there. Here, it's another matter: quiet, green... What did I just say, Shears?

SHEARS. Dogs barking, like our Bulldog.

BULLDOG. Well, not much!

PEPPER. Oh, you... I was thinking... about her Majesty. She's like the weather, she changes from day to day. And sometimes I even think I love her. And if she... if she... If Her Majesty becomes mine, then I will become... His Majesty, His Majesty! Sergeant Pepper, conductor of the Lonely Hearts Band will become king... I will become the king! Hey, Bulldog, do you want to be the king's dog, hey, do you want to?

BULLDOG. Of course, Gov!

PEPPER. Of course, you do. Who doesn't want to live in four-kennel apartments! In one kennel you'll sleep, in another you'll eat meat and chew on bones, and in the third, the third - you'll see your guests - famous dogs will come to visit you, all sorts of Saint Bernards, collies and others. And in the fourth, what will you do in the fourth?

BULLDOG. Conduct the Lonely Heart's Band!

PEPPER. Oh, yeah. And what will I do?

BULLDOG. Well, you will be His Majesty, and well it's not really usual for a king to conduct an orchestra. You'll have a scepter, not a baton!

PEPPER. Great! Let's hurry and find the stolen diamonds - and I'll become the king! And then we'll see that I...

SHEARS. But what about our rehearsals?

PEPPER. Well, mmm, we'll perfect it on the way. March orchestra.

BULLDOG. You all look very convincing.

PEPPER. Wonderful. We leave immediately. Hey, Bulldog, are you ready? (Bulldog makes an entrechat.) Orchestra, listen to me, all follow Billy Shears, march! Music!


"Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Band" plays (Reprise), Pepper, orchestra and Bulldog leave the stage.


MEAN MR. MUSTARD (enters from the audience, gets up on stage). Did you hear that Pam? Did you hear that?

POLYTHENE PAM (enters from the audience, gets up on stage). I'm not deaf. What are we going to do?

MUSTARD. What do you mean what? Find them, of course.

PAM. By ourselves?

MUSTARD. What for? We'll go after them, and when we know where the diamonds are, we'll get at them first. Otherwise you'll be working in a shop all your life.

PAM. And you'll sleep on a park bench, or on the road.

MUSTARD. Get lost. Do you have any shades?

PAM. What?

MUSTARD. Sunglasses, do you have any? Put them on and let's go after them. And the diamonds will be ours, that'll sort us out.


Mustard and Pamela follow Pepper and company.


SCENE II


On stage is a serious "businesslike" looking Rita. "Lovely Rita" is playing. There is a small pause.


RITA. What if he doesn't come? He's always so busy, always up to something and always in a hurry. But today he promised, but then what do men's promises mean! Oh Jude, you make it so hard... I know how you feel about Lucy, but what has she got that I haven't? I would make you such a good wife. Jude, I would do anything for you. But today - no, he will definitely find the time, today is so important... (Desmond enters.) Hello Des, on your own? Where's Molly?

DESMOND. At rehearsals as usual, where else would she be? What happened? You said that Max... Is it true? How awful!

RITA. The hearing's today at six sharp.

DESMOND. You said two victims? Poor Max!

RITA. Yeah, but Max is not guilty, it was just an accident.

DESMOND. Of course, an accident.

RITA. The thing is. It's all up to Jude now; he must say something that will clear up any doubt.

DESMOND. But he wasn't there.

RITA. Believe me, Jude will find a way to convince them and get Max off.

DESMOND. What a terrible story, I just can't believe it. Oh there he is. (Jude enters.) Hi, Jude. Did Liverpool win?

JUDE. It was appalling - nil-nil. I'm not going to another game, I've had it!

RITA. Poor Jude. Another draw. How are you?

JUDE. Okay. Heard anything about Max? Are you going? ...

RITA. We're going. As soon as Molly gets here we're off.

JUDE. What should I say? I didn't see anything.

RITA. But he's your friend.

JUDE. I really didn't see anything. Was it his hammer?

RITA. It was his, but he didn't drop it. The hammer fell by itself.

DESMOND. Both times? I don't believe it.

RITA. Yes. And Michelle saw it the second time. She said it fell by itself.

DESMOND. Who's Michelle?

RITA. She's here on an exchange from France.

DESMOND. Can she prove it?

RITA. She says she can. She's going to testify under oath.

JUDE. Who are we waiting for? Molly?

DESMOND. Of course. She's always late. How long have we been together - and it's the same all the time. Women - they're always trouble, always, that's for sure.

JUDE. What's she up to now? Is she making her debut soon?

DESMOND. I don't know, she's rehearsing with some band.

RITA. Hey, there she is. Jude, why don't you get rid of those old brown shoes ...

MOLLY (enters). Hi, everyone. I'm sorry, but I was held up, it was an emergency. What happened was...

DESMOND. The base guitarist broke a string and you had to run to the shop to get him a new one. Another cock-and-bull story. But you knew we were going to court today.

MOLLY. It's not six yet.

DESMOND. Well, anyway, making people wait for you, it's bad form.

MOLLY (to Desmond). Come here, Des.

DESMOND. I know what you're going to say.

MOLLY. A word, please.


Molly and Desmond move away.


JUDE (to Rita). Listen, Rita, I know you're going to like what I'm going to say... Lucy disappeared today.

RITA. Disappeared? Where could she be?

JUDE. How should I know?

RITA. I just can't believe it.

JUDE. Left home without so much as a goodbye... Early in the morning she packed her things and left a note asking that nobody look for her and then disappeared. (The Band plays "She's Leaving Home".)

RITA. Do you know anything about it?

JUDE. Well, I think she had some sort of appointment she had to keep.

RITA. Not with you by any chance?

JUDE. What's it got to do with me?

RITA. Just asking. Please, throw away those brown shoes.

JUDE. Oh, I don't give a damn.

RITA. Do you want to know a secret? You've probably guessed already. Your Lucy is a drug addict and her friends are to blame.

JUDE. Well, of course, you know best.

RITA. I think she's been shooting up for a while. Or taking LSD. I noticed right away.

JUDE. Oh really, you've only seen her once.

RITA. That was enough for me.

JUDE. Baby's in black and I'm feeling blue. And though it's only a whim.

RITA. You don't like the colour black?

JUDE. Sad night and day...


Molly and Desmond slap each other on the cheeks.


RITA (runs up to them). What's up guys?

DESMOND. You think I don't know that Shears!

MOLLY. Des, you are paranoid!

DESMOND. Okay, do what you like.

RITA. Don't argue, c'mon, hurry up and make up, you hear? And anyway it's time for us to go, Jude will have a hard time without us.

JUDE. Not to go but run. (To Rita.) You used to be a fine runner.

RITA. I'm still in great shape.

JUDE. Yes? Well, then go for it! Molly, Desmond - let's go!


"Two of Us" plays and the four characters dance their way off stage.


SCENE III


On stage - the "unbeatable warrior" Bungalow Bill, who can be dressed in the colours of the US flag, including his top hat. Behind him is His Mum dressed in the same way, pulling along a toy elephant on wheels. "The Continuous Story of Bungalow Bill" plays. Pepper, his orchestra and Bulldog enter from the left side of the stage. Bulldog makes an entrechat.


PEPPER. Quiet, Bulldog, we could scare off the tiger.

BULLDOG. Really? Where's the tiger? I can't see him.

PEPPER. In the jungle.

BULLDOG. Where's the jungle?

PEPPER. The jungle is back there.

BULLDOG. And the tiger has Her Majesty's diamonds?

PEPPER. Well, maybe... maybe.

BULLDOG. And as soon as Bungalow Bill kills it we'll slice open its stomach and find the diamonds. Maybe it shoved them inside its ears, Gov'nor?

PEPPER. A tiger with diamond earrings? What's up with you Bulldog, have you bumped your head or something?

BULLDOG. And why not? First of all who said it was a tiger, and not a tigress? Second, all sorts of things happen in America.

PEPPER. Yes, that's true.


A shot is heard. Smoke fills the stage.


BUNGALOW BILL (in a disappointed voice). O-o-o-o-oi!

HIS MUM (in a disappointed voice). U-u-u-u-ui!

BUNGALOW BILL. I should have brought more gunpowder...


The song "Bungalow Bill" plays. Bungalow Bill and His Mum back away. Pepper and his group move away behind the wings. A shot is heard, then the music continues, then another shot, music, and after the third shot Captain Marvel walks out from the right with a tiger hide slung over his shoulder.


CAPTAIN MARVEL. Happiness is a warm gun, that's happiness. I zapped him between the eyes. Right between the eyes.

BULLDOG. Tell me captain, are you sure that killing isn't a sin? From your military point of view?

CAPTAIN MARVEL. What is sin?

HIS MUM. Depends how you look at it?

BULDOG. Who looks?

HIS MUM. The tiger, of course.

BULLDOG. And how does he look? The tiger of course.

HIS MUM. Fierce!

BULLDOG. And if he looks fierce?

HIS MUM. If looks could kill it would have been us instead of him!

BULLDOG. Interesting theory, You Madam, well, your like Socrates in a skirt.

PEPPER. Quiet, Bulldog! Mister captain, can I have a word.

CAPTAIN MARVEL. Go ahead, Sarge.

PEPPER. Could I look in her ears?

CAPTAIN MARVEL. In His Mum's ears?

PEPPER. No, no, the tigress's.

CAPTAIN MARVEL. Who told you it was a tigress?

PEPPER. I thought... I thought... that Billy... he...

CAPTAIN MARVEL. I could zap that Billy of yours between the eyes.

This tiger is a natural Bengal tiger, you hear?

HIS MUM. Yes, yes, a natural Bengal tiger. Natural.

PEPPER. Yes sir. But what if he swallowed them?

CAPTAIN MARVEL. Swallowed what?

PEPPER. The diamonds.

CAPTAIN MARVEL. Diamonds? Swallowed them?

PEPPER. That's right, sir.

CAPTAIN MARVEL. Right (loud). Sarge, Attention! (Sgt. Pepper and his orchestra form a line.) Follow Sarge, to the battlefield, march! Lead the way!


The group marches out as "Bungalow Bill" plays.


SCENE IV


The stage is a courtroom. The judge, Maggie Mae, Rosa, Valerie, P.C. thirty-one, Michelle, Maxwell, Rita, Molly, Jude, and Desmond. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" plays.


JUDGE. So, Maggie Mae, he spent the night in the wood, didn't he?

MAGGIE. In the wood, Your Honour, Norwegian wood, Your Honour.

JUDGE. And there wasn't a chair? Not even one chair?

MAGGIE. No, Your Honour, he sat on a rug.

JUDGE. And biding his time, drinking your wine, you talked until two?

MAGGIE. We talked until two, Your Honour.

JUDGE. And then you said it's time for bed.

MAGGIE. Yes and I had to get up early for work.

JUDGE. And he crawled off to sleep in the bath.

MAGGIE. Yes, Your Honour.

JUDGE. And when he awoke, you had gone?

MAGGIE. Yes, Your Honour, he was alone.

JUDGE. The question to Maggie Mae is: who took the money?

MAGGIE. Nobody, Your Honour.

JUDGE. What does that mean?

MAGGIE. Nobody took the money.

JUDGE. And so the bird had flown, hadn't it, Maggie Mae?

MAGGIE. It had flown, but nobody took the money.

JUDGE. Norwegian wood is good!

MAGGIE. That's right, Your Honour.

JUDGE. Interesting, very interesting... Right, I'll take two pounds from you, and get out of here.

MAGGIE. What for, Judge? Guilty of robbing again?

ROSE & VALERIE. That's not true, down with the judge!

JUDGE. Another word, and you'll all have to get out of here, is that clear? Next. Edison... Edison... Well well well. I quote: The door opened, and as soon as she had said, " Hello, Max!", the doctor's silver hammer came down upon her head, and Joan died instantly. The same thing happened the following week, when Max played the fool again in class. The teacher told him to stay when the class had gone away, and told him to write fifty times "I must not be so." But when she turned her back, he crept up from behind, and the silver hammer came down upon her head, and the teacher died. Let us call the witnesses. Call witness one Eleanor Rigby.

CONSTABLE № 31. She cannot testify, Your Honour.

JUDGE. Why can't she?

CONSTABLE № 31. She died in church yesterday.

JUDGE. Died, again?

CONSTABLE № 31. Yes, Your Honour, probably from loneliness.

JUDGE. Strange death. Well well well. Call the witness Mackenzie.

CONSTABLE № 31. Father Mackenzie wipes the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave.

JUDGE. Who is saved?

CONSTABLE № 31. Nobody, Your Honour.

JUDGE. Yes. Witness Michelle Mabelle, can you confirm what has been said?

MICHELLE. What do I have to confirm?

JUDGE. That, well well well.

MICHELLE. What, well well well?

JUDGE. Witness Michelle Mabelle! On the basis of all that has been said, I conclude that the behaviour of the accused Edison provoked the falling of the silver hammer right on the head of the teacher, causing severe injuries from which she died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

MICHELLE. No, Your Honour, you misunderstood me!

JUDGE. I understood you perfectly well, witness Michelle Mabelle. For the crime committed and taking into account the aggravating circumstances, that is premeditated murder with the aid of a weapon, which was indubitably the doctor's silver hammer...

MAXWELL (leaps up). I didn't kill anyone! The hammer fell by itself, you cannot prove anything at all!

JUDGE. The defendant must remain quiet. When you take the stand you can have your say.

ROSE & VALERIE. What's all this? Hooligans!

RITA. Mr. Judge, you must free Maxwell Edison immediately!

MOLLY. You know Max is a wonderful guy!

JUDGE. Constable № 31, keep the accused under control.

CONSTABLE № 31. Defendant, quiet or I'll...

JUDE. Do you know the contribution Edison has made to world culture?

JUDGE. What are you talking about?

JUDE. Do you know the defendant's surname?

JUDGE. Of course I know, I am the Judge after all.

JUDE. Well, what is his surname?

JUDGE. His surname is E-DI-SON. And what's your surname - that's the question.

JUDE. Do you know that his great grandfather Thomas Alva Edison invented the electric light bulb? And if it had not been for Maxwell's great grandfather we'd be sitting in the dark right now. You wouldn't even be able to see the defendant!

JUDGE. What do you mean I wouldn't - I have already seen him. And anyway stop messing me about. (Fixes his wig.) This may be your friend, but that doesn't change anything: his guilt has been proven and it is up to me to pass sentence now.

JUDE. Aren't you afraid?

JUDGE. And what have I got to fear? If necessary - Constable № 31 is right over there.

JUDE. Trinity is a very good company, Your Honour.

JUDGE. What do you mean?

JUDE. I mean what I mean.

JUDGE. Listen, you are not even a witness and you have no right to speak here. So...

JUDE, RITA, DESMOND, MOLLY, MICHELLE, ROSE, VALERIE. Free Maxwell Edison! Free Maxwell Edison!

JUDGE. And so, I sentence Maxwell Edison ...

JUDE, RITA, DESMOND, MOLLY, MICHELLE, ROSE, VALERIE. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

JUDGE. To ...

ROSE & VALERIE. Stop the judge! The judge is a wan...


All of a sudden the silver hammer drops on the judge's head - and he falls to the floor. Seeing this Jude, Rita, Desmond, Molly, Michelle, Rose & Valerie shout: "Silver hammer man!" The Constable runs away in fear.


JUDE. Hoo... ray, congratulations Max, you're free! (Hugs Max.)

MAXWELL. My friends, you've helped me so much. Rita, Molly, Jude, Des - you're all great! And thanks to your French friend - sont les mots

qui vont tres bien ensemble. You are French, aren't you?

MICHELLE. Yes, I'm from Paris. But I'm studying in London. You speak French so well.

MAXWELL. Oh, that's all I know.

RITA. But what about the Judge? They'll find him, and we'll all end up behind bars.

MAXWELL. Don't worry, I'll give him some gin and he'll be right as rain. (Approaches the judge.)

MICHELLE. Well, is he coming round?

MAXWELL. Don't worry: it's a paper hammer; it's the only kind I work with. (The judge raises his head.)

RITA. Thank God! That means you really are innocent Max.

MAXWELL. It was a joke: Joan and the teacher are in fine form. I cure people, not kill them.

MICHELLE. We are very pleased, Doctor Edison.

MAXWELL. Future doctor.

JUDE. Friends, I have to find Lucy, her mother asked me to. I must do everything I can to find her. If you like we can look for her together. And why don't you, our new friend Michelle, come with us?

MICHELLE. I don't know who Lucy is, but...

JUDE.Lucy... what can I say... (The Band plays "I Saw Her Standing There".) Well, she's just seventeen. I met her at a disco, the way she looked at me, was way beyond compare, and we danced, oh, how we danced...

RITA. So that it sent you head spinning!

JUDE. Yes, and now I just can't dance with another.

MAXWELL. So are we all going?

JUDE. I hope Molly and Des are coming as well.

MOLLY. But what about the children!

RITA (to Molly). Your mother can look after them.

DESMOND. Or the bass guitarist.

MOLLY. Well, at least he works, while you sit at home...

DESMOND. I'm bringing up the children.

MOLLY. Oh, yeah. Is that what you do! What about all those guys coming over every day?

DESMOND. What about the twenty carat golden ring?..

RITA. That's enough, you two. Be quiet!

MOLLY. As if I didn't know what you were up to...

MAXWELL. We are going on this search, okay? Molly and Desmond, come on, let's get a move on!

MOLLY. But I didn't say anything bad.

DESMOND. And I didn't say anything bad either.

JUDE. That's good then. Well, my friends, let's go! What would you think if I sang out of tune?


"With a Little Help from My Friends" plays, to which the six characters dance and leave the stage.


SCENE V


On stage - tree trunks, green grass, a wet path swarming with worms that have appeared after rain crosses the stage. Pepper, his orchestra and Bulldog enter.


PEPPER. What's this? I didn't sleep a wink last night.

BULLDOG. Blue skies, fleecy clouds, green...

PEPPER. Worms, do you understand, Bulldog, worms!

BULLDOG. Where did they come from? Strange, very strange.


A rural type with a balalaika and in Russian style shirt and lapti enters the stage. He plays "Mother Nature's Son" on the balalaika.


PEPPER. Hey, young man, who are you?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. I am Mother Nature's Son.

BULLDOG. And your father?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. What father?

BULLDOG. Well if you have a mother, you should have a father. Do you know your father?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. My mother is enough. She is...

PEPPER. Tell us, son, have you heard anything about the diamonds?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. About what?

PEPPER. About the diamonds. You know, those glass-like things that sparkle.

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Have I heard - I've even seen it on TV.

PEPPER. Really! So where are they?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Where are what?

PEPPER. The diamonds. Where are the diamonds?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Diamonds you say? The proletariat dictatorship has them, of course.

BULLDOG. Who?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Our proletariat dictatorship has them.

BULLDOG. I cannot stand the word dictatorship - it even makes dogs insolent. But what I don't understand is how can the proletariat love diamonds? If the proletarians love diamonds then they are no longer the proletariat. My sense of the classes is just fine, you know.

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. No, you don't understand. They are not with the proletariat. They are with the proletariat dictatorship. The proletariat are still as they were.

PEPPER. And where is this proletariat dictatorship?

MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Actually you'll see them now.


Playing his tune, Mother Nature's Son leaves the stage. As the song "Piggies" comes on, a cart enters the stage carrying four pairs of dirty Piggies. During the dance they throw off masks and become people - in white starch shirts; the Piggies jovially chew. The music gradually fades.


PEPPER. They seem like nice sorts!

BULLDOG. I would gladly tear their kind to pieces, but no, even if they have mountains of diamonds - a decent dog wouldn't get within ten paces. Something smells bad.

PEPPER. Ladies and gentlemen!

BULLDOG. Comrades! Don't they call each other comrades?

PEPPER. Ladies and gentlemen, tell me, do you happen to have Her Majesty's diamonds?


The Piggies amicably hoot.


BULLDOG. Let's get out of here, Gov. They don't have anything, I can feel it inside.

PEPPER. But if we go, they'll go on hooting for the rest of their lives.

BULLDOG. And what do you suggest, Gov?

PEPPER. What do you mean what? A revolution is what's needed.

BULLDOG. What ever for?

PEPPER. To... to get rid of the dictatorship, for all the pigs to be equal.


The Piggies amicably hoot.


BULLDOG. Oh, yeah, do you know how many such revolutions they need?

PEPPER. How many?

BULLDOG. Nine.

PEPPER. Nine?

BULLDOG. Only after nine revolutions can pigs finally turn into people (The Piggies amicably hoot.) We are wasting our time, Gov. I can't even make an entrechat.

PEPPER. Well if that's how you're going to be, Bulldog, let's go.


"Revolution 1" plays, Pepper and his entourage leave the stage.


MUSTARD (gets up on stage from the audience). Number one, number one, number one...

PAMELA (gets up on stage from the audience). First revolution, comrade Pigs! I congratulate you, you have become people.

MUSTARD. As a reward for your liberation, could you give us, at least, part of the diamonds?

PAMELA. Those you have for the dictatorship. (The Piggies amicably hoot.) We, honestly, really need them.

MUSTARD. We are that same proletariat to which they belong. (The Piggies amicably hoot.)

PAMELA. You don't believe us? I'm an ordinary shop assistant. Do you know how much I make? And I don't grumble. (The Piggies amicably hoot.) What are you laughing at? You can't do that. Look at him (points to her brother), he doesn't even have a home - he sleeps in the park. Really! Sometimes even on the street. (The Piggies amicably hoot.) It's true, really it is, you shouldn't laugh.


All of a sudden Mother Nature's Son jumps on the cart and overturns it - the Piggies fall to the ground. Mustard and Pamela run away.


MOTHER NATURE'S SON. Hooray! The money is ours! Number nine, number nine, number nine etc.


SCENE VI


"Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite" is playing. Before the audience - Pablo Fanques Fair. There is a trampoline centre stage, on which an acrobat is performing. Among the audience we see Jude and his friends, and Pepper with his orchestra and Bulldog, as well as Mustard and Pamela (these two are in half masks). Everybody is clapping. Then, the Hendersons enter in long ball dresses - they sing and dance. Then Henry the Horse comes in dancing the waltz. At the end the acrobat does ten somersaults on the ground. The finale: Mr. Kite jumps through a barrel of real fire. The show is over, the orchestra plays, everybody dances.


PEPPER. Well, Bulldog, did we find the diamonds?

BULLDOG. There you go again Gov - diamonds, diamonds. Thinking about money - that's vulgar. Money, money, always money. Don't you think that money is irrelevant, Gov?

PEPPER. Silly dog! What are our diamonds for then, Bulldog, tell me. If we find the diamonds, we'll have money for the Lonely Heart's Club Band to play at the Albert Hall. Do you understand?

BULLDOG. If that's the case, then I agree. (Bulldog makes an entrechat.)

RITA (dancing with Desmond). When are you going to make up once and for all?

DESMOND. I don't know. Hopefully by the end of our trip.

RITA. Aren't you sick of arguing?

DESMOND. It's difficult to say. All sorts happen, life goes on.

RITA. Oh, that's the family life we strive for!

DESMOND. There are roses among the thorns.

MOLLY (dancing with Jude). Do you think we'll find Lucy?

JUDE. I don't doubt it for a minute.

MOLLY. I wish my Desmond was as confident as you.

JUDE. Well, he has other good qualities.

MOLLY. Like what, for example?

JUDE. He loves you. Isn't that the most important thing?

MAXWELL (dancing with Michelle). They say I'm a lucky guy. I'd like to take you with me.

MICHELLE. Right now?

MAXWELL. Right now!


The dance finishes. Pepper, his orchestra and Bulldogleave the stage.


JUDE. Well, she isn't here.

MAXWELL. But we are not losing hope.

RITA. I know, let's cheer Jude up by singing his song. Chin up!

MOLLY. That's a great idea. But let's all sing nice and loud. I'll start.


"Hey Jude"plays, after which the curtain closes.


ACT TWO


SCENE VII


The stage is scantily lit, Pepper and Bulldog sit back to back with the Nowhere Man. The orchestra sits behind them playing the melody "I'm So Tired", and right at the back, hiding carefully are Mustard and Pamela.


PEPPER. So where do you think the diamonds were stolen from, Bulldog?

BULLDOG. Probably from the playroom.

PEPPER. What playroom?

BULLDOG. The playroom where the Queen was painting pictures for the children's holiday.

PEPPER. So what are we doing?

BULLDOG. What do you mean?

PEPPER. Here we are looking for diamonds all over the world, and they, it turns out, might simply have been stolen from the playroom at Buckingham Palace. That's where we have to go.

BULLDOG. Oh, yeah, Gov, I'm sure they're waiting for us there!

PEPPER. Well, I do have that telegram.

BULLDOG. And what you think that's an invitation?

PEPPER. Well, I'll show it to the Bobby at the door, don't you think he'll let me in?

BULLDOG. Oh, yes, especially with the band. Of course, if I...

PEPPER. Bulldog, you'll wait outside.

BULLDOG. Outside?

PEPPER. Outside.

BULLDOG. No, Gov, it just won't work.

PEPPER. What? Am I Sergeant Pepper or some hairy mongrel?

BULLDOG. You know what, Gov, if you don't like it, I can just get lost. Hairy mongrel indeed, tut tut...

PEPPER. Listen, Bulldog, I think someone is sitting here with us.

BULLDOG. Who's sitting? I'm sitting, who else?

PEPPER. Look, standing on his head - completely lost his mind!

BULLDOG. Oh, it's true... Hey, mister, who are you?

NOWHERE MAN. Me - I'm nobody. (The Band plays "Nowhere Man".)

PEPPER. What do you mean nobody? What's your name?

NOWHERE MAN. I have no name.

PEPPER. What do you mean no name? Everybody has a name and a surname. Mine, for example, is Pepper, it may be funny, but its mine. Even this dog has a name Bulldog. Nice looking fellow, isn't he?

BULLDOG. Thank you, Gov.

NOWHERE MAN. I don't have a name.

PEPPER. You mean to say you don't have any documents?

NOWHERE MAN. And no documents.

PEPPER. Interesting, how do you get on with the police?

NOWHERE MAN. I don't.

PEPPER. Okay, then at least tell me where you're from?

NOWHERE MAN. Nowhere.

PEPPER. Great... And what are you doing here?

NOWHERE MAN. Nothing.

PEPPER. Listen, Bulldog, I think he's a crackpot...

BULLDOG. Why... Just because a person doesn't have a surname or doesn't want to talk doesn't immediately mean he's a madman?

PEPPER. Well, he doesn't only not have a surname - he doesn't have anything at all.

BULLDOG. And what does a person need to have?

PEPPER. Oh, I don't know.... at least something. Listen, Nowhere Man, you haven't heard anything about any diamonds, have you?

NOWHERE MAN. No, I haven't heard anything.

PEPPER. Can you not say one sentence without a "no" or a "not" in it? Pull yourself together enough!

NOWHERE MAN. I can't. No. I don't understand. It doesn't exist.

PEPPER. Oh that's wonderful...

BULLDOG. Why are you bothering this guy? Maybe he's as tired as we are and he's sitting here having a rest, while we... You have actually turned into a real detective: look how many questions you asked him! Okay, why don't you leave him alone now? Tell me what do you think we should do now.

PEPPER. What do you mean what? We're off to the palace.

BULLDOG. I already told you they won't let us in there (A fat Walrus enters the stage. He sneezes.) Careful where you sneeze fatso!

WALRUS. Get down! Hands behind your head! Everybody down! Run for your lives! Your life or the Eiffel Tower!

BULLDOG. Hey-hey, calm down, mate! Look here fatty, you better watch yourself or I might ... Round as a ball...

WALRUS. I am he as you he as you are me and we are all together.

PEPPER. Pardon? Bulldog, did you get any of that? Everyone around here is off their heads, my friend. They're all in it together.

BULLDOG. I think I read something about a Walrus that cried when he was about to eat oysters. Sat and cried.

WALRUS. Sitting on the cornflake, waiting for the van to come.

PEPPER. What van?

WALRUS. The ambulance. From the loony bin. (Sneezes.)

PEPPER. Oh, I see.

WALRUS. Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun, if the sun don't come, you get a tan standing in the English rain. (Sneezes.)

PEPPER. There must be someone normal here, I'm just not...

WALRUS. See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly, I'm crying.

BULLDOG. Hooting? And all the pigs were equal?

WALRUS. I am the eggman!

BULLDOG. Right I understand, you're going to produce an egg, are you?

WALRUS. I am the eggman, they are oviparous. I am the Walrus!

BULLDOG. That's enough. Tell me, Walrus, is there anyone else here? People, for example, or anything normal...

WALRUS. Boy you been a naughty girl, you let your knickers down! I want a harem! (Sneezes.) Hurry up!

PEPPER. It's hopeless. We won't find any diamonds here.

WALRUS. Expert texpert - gibberish; crabalocker choking smokers.

The joker laughs at you! Ha-ha-ha (sneezes)! A-B-C-D!

PEPPER. Where does it end, I've had enough. Bulldog let's go.

WALRUS. Goo Goo Goo Joob! Goo Goo Goo Joob! Dzhu-ga-shvi-li! [1]

NOWHERE MAN. I didn't hear anything.

WALRUS. Oompaah, oompaah, stick it up your jumpah.

NOWHERE MAN. I can't. No. I don't understand. It doesn't exist.

PEPPER. Let's get out of here, quick! Orchestra, follow Shears to the right, march, music!

BULLDOG. Yes, folks, things are not going well. Not well at all!


"I am the Walrus" melody plays and Pepper leaves the stage with his band and Bulldog.


MUSTARD (moves to the front of the stage). Did you hear that, Pam?

PAMELA (following him up). Did I hear what?

MUSTARD. He said: "It doesn't exist". Understand?

PAMELA. So what?

MUSTARD. "Nowhere". "Don't understand". Understand?

PAMELA. You don't understand. It's all clear to me.

MUSTARD. What's clear?

PAMELA. That. "Stick it up your jumpah", that's what. Is that clear?

MUSTARD. Oh, shut up. Don't waste time. Is that clear?

PAMELA. Such a dirty old man! (They run off.)


SCENE VIII


"Yellow Submarine" plays; in a submarine that looks somewhat like a banana sit Jude, Rita, Desmond, Molly, Maxwell and Michelle. Jude is heard saying, "Bolt the hatch!", "Begin the immersion!". The passengers get out of the banana. They are in the Octopus's Garden; a character approaches each Octopus and looks at it.


MAXWELL. What strange names! "Sea of Time", "Sea of Holes",

"Sea of Sour Milk", And here - "Sea of Monsters" and "Sea of Meanies". Nice names!

MICHELLE. What do they mean? "Sea of Monsters", for example.

MAXWELL. I prefer "Sea of Meanies".

MICHELLE. Why do you prefer that one?

MAXWELL. Because the sea has good Meanies and bad Meanies.

MICHELLE. Interesting idea. And what about "Sea of Villains"?

MAXWELL. That's the sea where blue Villains take on vessels.

MICHELLE. Poor vessels!

MOLLY. Are we really under the sea? What's this wild garden? Can you see it, Des?

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN. This is our garden - the Octopus's Garden. (The Band plays "Octopus's Garden".)

MOLLY. Do you bite?

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN. No, we don't bite.

MOLLY. And what can you do?

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN. We can sing and dance.

MOLLY. Will you show us?

OCTOPUS'S GARDEN. We'll do everything to make you comfortable in our garden.


The music gets louder - the Octopuses and people dance. Blackbird enters the stage. His face shows that he is tired and sad. His wings are broken.


JUDE. What's wrong, bird?

BLACKBIRD. Boys... bad boys. One of them got me with a sling-shot - and then I stopped flying. I'm not feeling well!

MAXWELL. Your lucky Blackbird, I'm a doctor. (Gets up and approaches the bird.) Let's take a look. Right. I see. You need some special ointment. (Looks in his bag, gets out the ointment and rubs it on Blackbird.) Is that better?


Blackbird dances and moves its wings, it gets easier and easier - he, finally, flaps his wings.


BLACKBIRD. Doctor, you're a magician, a real magician! (Plays "Blackbird" on the flute.) What can I do for you?

MAXWELL. You don't have to do anything; it's my job to cure.

MICHELLE. I wouldn't say "no" to a kiss. (Kisses Maxwell.)

JUDE. Tell us, Blackbird, you fly everywhere and see everything. Have you seen a girl with kaleidoscope eyes and cellophane flowers of yellow and green towering over her head?

BLACKBIRD. I saw a brilliant glow - up there.

JUDE. Where up there?

BLACKBIRD. In the sky.

JUDE. And how can we get there?

BLACKBIRD. Through a window in the bathroom.

JUDE. The bathroom?

BLACKBIRD. There's a bathroom with a small window, through which you can go straight to the sky. But don't forget to take a silver spoon.

MOLLY. What's he talking about?

BLACKBIRD. It will be a lucky penny for you. Just wait for the sun to rise. Goodbye - and thank you, my doctor! (Flies away.)

JUDE. We have to do what he said. Let's go find that window!

RITA. Yes, we don't have any other leads anyway.

JUDE. Well, you know they've been to the sky. The Blackbird said: Lucy is in the sky - I did hear right, didn't I?

RITA. So I'll follow the sun.


Julia enters the stage - she is the daughter of the sea, a charming dancer in yellow - she is as naked as possible, but for comic effect can have an aqualung and mask. Julia dances slowly, the Octopuses join in. The

Walrus dances with the others.


JUDE. She's a beauty, Max, she's absolutely amazing!

MOLLY. Anyone can be amazing in a mask.

JUDE. Julia, ocean child, she calls me!


Jude dances with Julia! (The Band plays "Julia".)


RITA. I see. All men are the same. Just show them any kind of "weaker vessel", and this one even has an aqualung, - and they're done for.

MICHELLE. I hope that when she takes off the mask...

RITA. Do you think she'll take it off? It's all she's wearing!

JUDE. Julia, seashell eyes, windy smile.

WALRUS. See how they fly like Lucy in the sky... (Walrus sneezes.)

JUDE. Like Lucy in the sky...

RITA (loudly). Okay, girl, the strip show is over. You, ocean child, run for your life! (Julia disappears, Octopuses fall asleep. Pause.)

MAXWELL. Somebody made a hole in the ocean.

DESMOND. The Octopuses, or the Walrus - stick it up your jumpah.

MOLLY. And how do we get back up?

MAXWELL. Through the glass onion.

MOLLY. Oh, lord!

MAXWELL. Keep it up, we'll find a way out.

JUDE. They disappeared. Rita, it was probably because I started to talk nonsense.

RITA. Jude, you said where your Lucy is, right?

JUDE. The Blackbird and the Walrus said Lucy is in the sky of diamonds.

RITA. And when will you be convinced that she's not in the sky either?

JUDE. Never...never.

RITA. Jude-Jude, you make it so difficult!

JUDE. And you think it's easy?

RITA. First Lucy, then the amazing beauty...

JUDE. Don't, Rita.

RITA. Hey, Jude, don't make it bad!

JUDE. It's a fool who plays it cool.

RITA. A fool? That's great, just what we need! I feel like everything is going to be okay. Do you hear me, Jude?

JUDE. I don't believe it. I just don't believe it anymore.

RITA. You'll see. Let's get up to the surface!

MAXWELL. You see, Michelle, all is well that ends well.


The Band plays "All My Loving" - the characters get in the "banana" and sail away.


SCENE IX


The scene is played in front of a square, to which two staircases lead. Maggie Mae (who is drunk) stands by one and the Fool on the Hill sits by the other one. His clothes can be similar to those of the Rudolph Hausner picture: yellow t-shirt, and red (paper) hat. The fool sits with his head in his hands.


MAGGIE(takes a lug of a cigarette and throws it away). I didn't have any money, not even one pound. Not a bean.

FOOL ON THE HILL. Without going out of my door. I can know all things on earth.

MAGGIE. And then I was thrown in jail.


Bulldog enters the stage.


FOOL ON THE HILL. Without looking out of my window I could know the ways of heaven.

BULLDOG. Oh, here we have two people they can tell us. Which staircase do we need to climb to get closer to the sun?

MAGGIE. Well, if this is a wood, let's light a fire. (Closes her eyes.)

FOOL ON THE HILL. The farther one travels...

BULLDOG. I don't need to go further.

FOOL ON THE HILL. The less one knows...

BULLDOG. I would like to know...

FOOL ON THE HILL. The less one knows.

BULLDOG. Look at him, he's a genius! Are you really a genius?

FOOL ON THE HILL. People call me a fool.

BULLDOG. Then what are you smiling at?

FOOL ON THE HILL. At real life.

BULLDOG. Which is real?

FOOL ON THE HILL. That, which passes without us.

BULLDOG. Well, I never... Tell me, wise one, which way should I go, right or left? There's a lass sleeping there on the right.

FOOL ON THE HILL. Left.

BULLDOG. Why left?

FOOL ON THE HILL. Because you get a better view of the hill from there.

BULLDOG. So what? I could take some binoculars - no big problem.

FOOL ON THE HILL. I sit on the hill...

BULLDOG. And I've already seen plenty of sunrises.

FOOL ON THE HILL. In sunset rays...

BULLDOG. Oh... diamonds!

FOOL ON THE HILL. On the hill I see the sun going down. I see the world spinning round...

BULLDOG. Well, that's all clear. We'll be the first to see. Well done, a fool is a wise man. We'll leave you alone now.


Bulldog leaves. Mustard and Pamela run on stage.


MUSTARD. Damn, let's get up there! He was bloody quick!

PAMELA. Let's go left!

MUSTARD. No way! We'll go right!

PAMELA. I think we need to go left!

MUSTARD. You little bitch, you'll do what your big brother says or...

PAMELA. I said left!

MUSTARD. Listen, scruff-bag, I said right!

PAMELA. There's some prat sitting to the left.

MUSTARD. And some girl snoozing to the right.

PAMELA. So what, we'll wake her.

MUSTARD. What did I tell you... Here they come, let's get out of here, quick!


They run off. Jude, Rita, Molly, Desmond, Maxwell and Michelle enter the stage.

RITA. That's a steep climb, I can feel a stitch coming on already.

JUDE. She flew away.

RITA. Aha: again through the window in the bathroom.

JUDE. Let's ask this fellow: excuse me, did a girl happen to pass by here yesterday?

FOOL ON THE HILL. The world is immense.

JUDE. It is, of course, immense, but I need to find this girl, she has such eyes...

MAXWELL. They keep changing colour, in a kaleidoscopic way...

FOOL ON THE HILL. Daydreaming - that's wonderful.


MAXWELL. "What light through yonder window breaks?

It's the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Arise, fair sun..." [2] MICHELLE. Oh-la-la!

JUDE. Will we find Lucy?

FOOL ON THE HILL. We'll soon see.

JUDE. Will we really?

FOOL ON THE HILL. Solem quis dicere falsum audeat? [3]

MOLLY (approaches Maggie Mae). Heigh, excuse me... (Maggie lifts her head). I think I've seen you somewhere before.

DESMOND. In court. She was the case before Maxwell's.

MOLLY. Yes, they gave and took, two pounds I think.

DESMOND. Probation.

Maggie sits down and covers her head with her hands.


RITA. Well, shall we go forward and up, it's not a long way up? It won't be a long way up! Let's go, come with me, let's come together now! (Everybody dances to "Come Together".)


Mustard and Pamela run out from the wings each with a stepladder. They put the ladders against the wall and start to climb, pushing at each other.


PAMELA. You'll only get what I can't carry.

MUSTARD. You stupid cow...

PAMELA. Go on insult away. Oh, we're falling! (Ladder almost falls.)

MUSTARD. Greediness will... (Ladder slips and falls.)


SCENE X


The scene takes place in a square filled with light from above - under the sky. We see Pepper and his orchestra and Jude and his group moving in different directions. The light becomes even stronger - The Sun King appears from the centre of the square. Everybody presents laughs and claps.


SUN KING. Quado paramuche mi amore defelice corazon Mundo paparazzi mi amore chicka ferdy parasol Cuesto obrigado tanta mucho que can eat it carousel. [4]

FOOL ON THE HILL. Magna res est amor! [5]

PEPPER. Hey, Bulldog, what are they talking about, what language is that?

FOOL ON THE HILL. Amor vincit omnia! [6]

BULLDOG. I don't know, Gov. I only understood the bit about eating a carousel.

FOOL ON THE HILL. Amor! [7]

PEPPER. What carousel? Eat a carousel?

BULLDOG. Well, yeah, how many can you eat?

PEPPER. Why would you eat a carousel?

BULLDOG. A tasty breakfast, Gov.

JUDE (to the Sun King). Excuse me, please, there should be a girl here with kaleidoskope eyes?

SUN KING. "L'etat c'est moi."

JUDE (to Maxwell). Is he French?

MAXWELL (looking at Michelle). Could you translate, please?

MICHELLE. He said: "I am the state."

NOWHERE MAN (runs in). I see among mandarin woods under golden jam skies a fountain, and nearby wild people and horses eat marshmallow pies. And most importantly...

JUDE. Where, where are they?

NOWHERE MAN. Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.

JUDE. Nothing is real?!

PEPPER (to Jude). Excuse me, but could you all, please, move away. We have some business here that has to be discussed privately. And take Nowhere Man with you.

JUDE. I have a case to state too.

PEPPER. Your matter is of no importance as compared with mine.

JUDE. But the heart of my matter is to make everybody happy.

PEPPER. Hey, Bulldog, put this insolent fellow in his place.

MAXWELL. The hammer fell by itself, sir. Remember?

BULLDOG. Everything is fine, Gov, it will all sort itself out.

PEPPER. What do you mean? What hammer? I don't understand anything.

BULLDOG. It's already five fifty seven.

PEPPER. And the sun goes up at six?

BULLDOG. Exactly.

PEPPER. So what are we going to do in the next three minutes?

BULLDOG. Let's listen to how they sing. Which one of you is a soprano?

RITA. Molly is. And what should she sing?

BULLDOG. Something about the morning. Okay?

MOLLY. Why not?

FOOL ON THE HILL. The sun switched off the lights - good night!


Molly sings "Good Morning, Good Morning". The stage gradually fills with sunlight.


SUN KING. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun. And I say, it's alright!

NOWHERE MAN (runs toward the light). I can see.

JUDE. I can see! I can see her eyes! I see them!

PEPPER. There they are, there are the diamonds! Quick!

NOWHERE MAN. Strawberry fields! I've looked for them everywhere - here, there and everywhere. And finally here they are... Strawberry fields - forever!

SUN KING. Ah, here comes the Sun King, here comes the Sun King...

BULLDOG. Come on, Gov. Those are not eyes and they're not diamonds.

PEPPER. What! And where are the diamonds?

JUDE. Where's Lucy? But her eyes, I remember them exactly. Like a kaleidoscope.

PEPPER. So that means if I look through my binoculars I'll see...

RITA. Jude-Jude! Haven't you understood yet, that you dreamt her? All a dream!

PEPPER. Excuse me, what do you mean a dream? I have a telegram ordering me to find the diamonds that were stolen from the Queen. And now that I've found them it turns out that they are not diamonds... I'll have you know that I was to perform at the Albert Hall. (Bulldog's loud laugh is heard.) What are you laughing at, Bulldog? You should be crying! We have never, do you hear never performed at the Albert Hall. Or... or was this all some kind of joke? Did you send me that telegram? Well, I'll get you for that dog... I'll...

BULLDOG. Don't be angry, Gov, haven't we had a good journey. We've been to America and to Russia. Now there's nothing our orchestra can't do. Isn't that so, Billy Shears?

SHEARS. That's right, a real marching orchestra.

BULLDOG. Well then, play our reprise, show us how you can play.


The Band plays "Lonely Hearts Club" and everybody dances, except Pepper, who is sad.


PEPPER. We were so near the diamonds, so near to a concert at the Albert Hall. We were at Her Majesty's and I think I fell in love with her. And now we have nothing, absolutely nothing... (In a rage he breaks his baton in half and covers his face.)

RITA. Life goes on.

JUDE. Now I need a place to hide away - oh, I believe in yesterday.

RITA. Come on, Jude, dreams come true. Look, Maxwell has found himself a girl - beautiful Michelle, Nowhere Man found the strawberry fields.

MAXWELL. And Jude I think finally sees who his love is.

RITA. So now what? (Lets her hair down - everybody exclaims admiringly.)

MOLLY. That's lovely! It really suits you.

MICHELLE. Rita, vous êtes formidable! [8]


Light shines on the hill where the Fool sits.

FOOL ON THE HILL. Yes-yes, that's love. Love is all. Let it be!

BULLDOG. What did you say, wise one? That love...

FOOL ON THE HILL. A person who loves finds life.

NOWHERE MAN. I'm going to visit the strawberry fields eight days a week, always!

DESMOND (to Molly). Girl, I love your face.

MOLLY. Do you want some fun? Sing "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"! (Kisses Desmond.)

FOOL ON THE HILL. With our love we could save the world.


MAXWELL. "O blessed, blessed night! I am afread,

Being in night, all this is but a dream..." [9] MICHELLE. You are wonderful, Max!

JUDE. Rita, did we really go on a "Magical Mystery Tour"?

RITA. Of course! A "Magical Mystery Tour" - we were all together. (To audience.) Roll-up - step right this way - it will teach you to love all those people who led you through this way - take you today!

JUDE. It's really true, isn't it? (Pause.) What a nice hairstyle, Rita, you look as the girl with the sun in her eyes!

RITA. Thanks, Jude. (Kisses him.)

BULLDOG (hugs Fool on the Hill). Well, guys, we have finished our journey. At the end of the day, love is all we need. Each and everyone. Raise your head, Gov! (Pepper lifts his head.) You loved Her Majesty, didn't you?

The Band plays "All You Need is Love". Bright lights come on and we see all the performers: Jude, finally, falls in love with Rita, Maxwell with Michelle, Molly makes up with Desmond. Everybody is happy because the orchestra has become a marching band. Pepper hugs Blackbird and Walrus, Nowhere Man has found his Strawberry Fields and Bulldog finds the only, in his opinion, clever man - the Fool on the Hill. Even Mustard and Pamela embrace. Following applause at the end of the show, everybody dances and sings to "All Together Now!"


## The End


2012,

Translated by Elena Stepanova


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Notes


[1]. It is the birth surname of Joseph Stalin, the leader of the Soviet Union from the mid-1920s until his death in 1953.


[2]. William Shakespeare. "Romeo and Juliet" (Act II, Scene II).


[3]. From Latin: Who dares to say the sun is false?


[4]. These are mixed up, distorted phrases from Spanish, Italian, French, English..


[5]. From Latin: The great thing is love!


[6]. From Latin: Love Conquers All!


[7]. From Latin: Love.


[8]. From French: Rita, you are wonderful!


[9]. William Shakespeare. "Romeo and Juliet" (Act II, Scene II).